Superwoman Syndrome

People who deal with me day in and day out can tell you one of the easiest ways to annoy me is to ask, "Why are you so tired?" Here's the rundown:


1. I work. Yes, from home, but I work just like anyone else. In fact, my job might be harder than a "regular" job, because I'm constantly interrupted. Imagine if you were working in an office and your coworker insisted on sitting on your computer or crawling all over you or talking to you constantly. Or crying. Or making messes EVERYWHERE. You've also got to make that coworker breakfast and lunch. It's not like you can ignore that. (Psst. . .at the end of the day, you have to like that coworker, too. Sucks.)


2. I'm doing a full-time, one-year master's program. In the States, our MAs are two years. Here, they're one. So two years of work crammed into one. It's intense enough as it is, I think, without all the other stuff added to it. I know some people who have a hard time juggling school and work.


3. I have two kids. Two young kids. In between doing the first two things, M and and I have potty-trained Mini-Minion, which has not gone as easy as I would have hoped, and certainly not as easy as it was with Mr. A. We also have to make sure Mr. A is taken care of. His current roster is:
Monday - swimming
Tuesday - free!
Wednesday - guitar
Thursday - combination dance & cub scouts
Friday - drumming & power station

I also try to go on field trips with him when I can. And on the weekends, my silly kids actually want to do stuff. With us.



4. Somewhere in there, I have to squeeze in time for M, friends, seminars, conferences, and calling family. They're all really, really important for different reasons. I need to add professional organizations to that list eventually, but right now, I just can't see where to fit it in.


This isn't for people to say, "Oh my gosh, how do you do all of this?!" It's so people understand why, at the end of the day, what I really want most in life is to sleep for a week. I'm really not complaining about my workload, and I don't think I complain about it much in person (maybe I'm wrong). My wants and interests are bigger than my time capabilities. This can cause problems sometimes when I have to make a decision between doing two things I really want to do.


We didn't make gingerbread ornaments for Christmas. We did nothing for Valentine's Day. I didn't even get valentines for Alex's class. We didn't make Easter eggs this year. The kids didn't have baskets. I keep pushing Alex's birthday party back. It's next weekend. I still haven't given the kids their invitations. I have no supplies. I'll probably throw it together at the last minute on Friday, and I'll be sad that nothing is the way I wanted it to be.


Are the kids upset? No, not really. Well, not at all actually. But there's a nagging sensation in the back of my head that never forgets to remind me that they'll only be little once and only for a short amount of time. I only get one shot at raising them. I don't want regrets.


As I said before, I haven't joined any professional organizations. They freak me out. I'm not networking like I should be. My seminar and conference choices are very limited in scope, and between the two, they're limited to about two or three per month, because I don't want to be away from the house more than I need to be right now. I have no job prospects in archaeology after graduation.



Is it a huge deal right now? Probably not. I've got time. But I'm not getting any younger, and if I want to be serious about this, then I've got to put myself out there. Opportunities are not going to show up on my doorstep. And I'm very aware that the more time that goes on, the less I'm actually getting accomplished professionally, and that's not going to be good for me five years down the road.


But the bottom line is: I can't do it all. I would love to be able to work, take care of the kids full time, keep the house spotless, do all the school activities, go to several conferences a week, make contacts with people from other universities, do research, travel with the kids, spend time with my friends, call everyone in my family once a week, find time to write, keep up with the blog, do personal development stuff like learn new languages or new crafts, read books, watch all the latest movies so I can at least carry on conversations with people, and do all those holiday activities you're "supposed" to do. And these are the things that weigh me down every day. I hate having limitations.


Deep down, I feel like a failure for not being able to swing it all. And when people ask, "Why are you so tired all the time?", it feels like they're saying the same thing. Like it should be easy.


But it's not, and rationally, logically, I know that.


I just can't seem to break the cycle of feeling like I need to do it all.